Farm Animals
by Connie Nervegas
Summary: Leo and Raph decompress on Casey's farm.


_Just wanted to see Raph and Leo actually hanging out because they like each other for once. Not sure if this will have much more of a point. Just kind of freeform, I guess. And more drunkenness. It's becoming my trademark. Don and Mikey might go on vacation too after a while. Most of my stories are pretty planned. Even April's Diary has some kind of plan. I didn't plan this at all. It was mostly to release some stress. Hope somebody gets some amusement._

_Song lyrics mentioned: "Freaks" by Live, "Your Body is a Wonderland" by John Mayer, "The Space Between" by Dave Matthews Band and the classic "Possum Kingdom" by The Toadies. I wanted an excuse to use it and finally found it. Muahaha._

_As the camera comes to life we see Leonardo Hamato lying in a sleeping bag in a field. It's night time. There are crickets chirping and the stars are out overhead._

Raphael: Our food ran out long ago. I am now debating on whether or not I should eat my companion. What do you think, companion?

Leonardo: I think you should shut up before I shove the camera down your throat.

_Raphael redirects the camera to his own face. He puts on a pretend weepy face._

Raphael: I want to apologize to my father and my brothers. We're lost!

_The camera changes direction to see a barn only twenty feet away._

Raphael: Oh, there we are.

Leonardo: Why don't you shut up and sleep? We still have to train tomorrow, you know.

Raphael: Why? We're the only ones here. We came to have fun. Why don't we do that?

Leonardo: You don't think training is fun?

Raphael: Not really. Hear that? There's a rabbit over there! Let's catch it.

Leonardo: Go for it.

_The camera hits the ground and we see Raphael scampering around the field as he tries to catch the rabbit. He fails and casually walks back to camp._

Leonardo: Why are we sleeping outside? The farm house is right there.

Raphael: Because we can. Live a little.

Leonardo: I do live a little. I live a lot. I just feel like it's pointless. We sleep on the roof at April's sometimes.

Raphael: Well, that's different. We're in the wild here. Or the country, I guess. Same thing.

_Raphael's phone beeps and he looks at the screen. Leonardo pulls the sleeping bag over his head._

Leonardo: Tell whoever-it-is that I'm dead.

Raphael: It's just Mikey. He sent a picture of Klunk dressed like a pirate.

Leonardo: That boy ain't right. But I guess we have to keep him anyway. Good night, Raph.

Raphael: Yeah.

_Pause as the camera wanders the border of the clearing._

Raphael: Know what would be cool?

_Leonardo sighs._

Raphael: If we got Bigfoot footage. Maybe he has a state of the art lair someplace and fights crime. Probably raised by a Shaolin monk.

Leonardo: Good night, Raph.

* * *

_The camera is on the porch rail and Leonardo and Raphael are sitting on the porch swing together drinking. Both are quite drunk._

Leonardo: I know we're not supposed to drink and it's super forbidden, but I'm glad you brought all this beer. You're so cool.

Raphael: Yeah, I know. So are you. We should piss on the fuse box over there. Bet you can't hit it from the ground.

Leonardo: I could too.

Raphael: Prove it!

Leonardo: I can't go yet and I can't when you're watching. I have a shy bladder.

Raphael: Sissy girl.

Leonardo: Girls aren't all sissies. Karai's a girl and she's really tough.

Raphael: Karai's nuts.

Leonardo: Girls don't have those. Give me another one.

_Raphael fumbles for another beer._

Leonardo: Come on. Come on.

_Raphael clumsily hands Leonardo a beer and he makes several failed attempts to open it while Raphael laughs, eventually putting his head between his legs._

Raphael: That's the funniest fucking thing I've ever seen.

Leonardo: Don't laugh at me.

Raphael: Wanna wear my bandanna?

Leonardo: Yeah, okay.

_They trade bandannas and drink their beers._

Raphael: I'm the leader now and I want you to go piss on the fuse box.

Leonardo: I'm you and I say no.

Raphael: Why not?

Leonardo: Cause you never listen to me.

_Leonardo struggles off the porch and Raphael sloppily points the camera at him._

Raphael: I'm recording this so it had better be the coolest thing I've ever seen.

Leonardo: I have performance anxiety.

Raphael: Be Zen. Be one with the fuse box. What the fuck was that?

_There is a rustling in the trees and a cow wanders out into the lawn._

Raphael: Fuck off, cow! Get lost! Go home! Shoo!

_The cow wanders towards Leonardo, who is busy emptying his bladder at the fuse box and doesn't notice._

Raphael: Leo, look out! That cow's going to maul you!

_Leonardo finishes and throws his beer at the cow, who doesn't seem to notice._

* * *

_The camera is dark, although we can see that the camera is being aimed at the floor as they move through the hallway. Some moonlight falls through the window nearby._

Leonardo: This is the bathroom. Damn it, where did it go?

Raphael: Maybe it's like Rose Red and the rooms move around. Think it's haunted?

Leonardo: No. It's the third floor… door on the right.

Raphael: That's your room. Where's mine?

Leonardo: How the hell should I know? Go find your own room. Quit following me around.

_Leonardo goes down the hall a few steps. _

Raphael: Don't leave me! I can't see!

Leonardo: Come on then. You're a ninja, right?

Raphael: Just find yours and we'll share.

Leonardo: Fine. Here it is. That's my stuff. Hello, katanas.

_Leonardo pats his katana holsters as he falls into bed._

Raphael: I want that side.

Leonardo: My side.

Raphael: I don't want the light to hit me when the sun comes up.

_Raphael whines and pushes on Leonardo._

Raphael: Leo, move!

_Leonardo crosses the bed and collapses again. Raphael jumps onto the bed and then jumps up and down a few times. Leonardo doesn't move._

Raphael: Remember when we used to jump on the bed? Get up and jump!

Leonardo: Go to hell.

_The bed frame breaks and Raphael falls backwards onto the bed, laughing._

Leonardo: Good night, Butch.

_Raphael tweaks his bandanna. Leonardo swats him away._

Leonardo: Leave my bandanna alone.

Raphael: It's mine and I can do whatever I want to it. I'm going to tell you a story now.

Leonardo: Shut up.

Raphael: Once there was a kid named Mikey. He was really annoying and we all wanted to give him up for adoption. Then he fell into a tar pit. The end.

Leonardo: What kind of a story was that?

Raphael: Okay, how about, once there was a beautiful girl named April O'Neil. She didn't realize it but her brother Leo had the hots for her. Pretty raunchy, huh?

Leonardo: You're acting like a four year old.

Raphael: Once there was a kid named Donatello. He was real smart. He didn't like to kill people because he was a big pansy. The end.

_Leonardo snores in reply. Raphael lies down and cuddles up to him._

* * *

_The camera catches them waking up the next morning. Raphael has moved all the way over to Leonardo's side of the bed and the sun hits him square in the face. Raphael opens his eyes and sees that he has his arms around his brother and pulls away quickly. Leonardo opens his eyes and looks around._

Leonardo: Did I urinate on a cow?

Raphael: No, you pissed on the fuse box. You threw a beer at a cow.

Leonardo: Wow. Let's not tell anybody about that. Why am I wearing this?

_Leonardo and Raphael exchange bandannas._

Leonardo: Dude! Did you break the bed? What'll we tell Casey?

Raphael: Tell him we got into a fight. Then nobody'll ask what happened.

Leonardo: Sure. What do you want for breakfast?

* * *

_Leonardo is holding the camera and looking in the bathroom mirror at himself. The shower is on nearby and Raphael is humming nearby._

Leonardo: What do you want to do today?

Raphael: I don't know. Weren't we supposed to clean the barn?

Leonardo: Yeah. Let's get that out of the way.

Raphael: We could look for mushrooms.

Leonardo: No way. Remember what happened last time when you watched your hand for six hours?

Raphael: Yes.

Leonardo: Master Splinter doesn't condone that kind of behavior.

Raphael: Do you see him anywhere?

Leonardo: That doesn't matter. Am I breaking out?

Raphael: Probably.

Leonardo: I was thinking of having April buy me some green eye makeup. You know, to use as concealer. Might come in handy for bruises too.

Raphael: Why? Might as well wear a skirt and change your name to Sally.

Leonardo: I don't think there's anything wrong with looking my best.

Raphael: I'm sure the Foot will be like, "Look at the Hamato Leonardo. He's a vicious warrior and also a real snappy dresser." Maybe Karai'll ask you for makeup tips.

_Leonardo leans in closer to the mirror to inspect his skin close up._

Leonardo: She orders from Avon…

Raphael: Karai?

Leonardo: April, brainless.

Raphael: Oh. Continue.

Leonardo: She orders from Avon, so I'm going to ask her to get some scar minimizer.

Raphael: Your scars build character.

Leonardo: They make me ugly.

Raphael: You're not ugly, Leo. You're gorgeous. You're freaking beautiful.

Leonardo: Would you shut up?

Raphael: I like my scars. I need more. I also need breakfast. Run along.

* * *

_Leonardo scratches his head over the stove as smoke wafts in his face. He brushes it away and then looks at the camera on the counter._

Leonardo: This goes to prove that Mr. Perfect is definitely not perfect. See these eggs?

_Leonardo holds them in front of the camera._

Leonardo: Burned. How does that happen? I burned eggs.

_Raphael enters the room. _

Raphael: What's that smell?

_Leonardo holds the pan in front of his face. He looks very unhappy._

Leonardo: Sorry. Those were the last. The bacon was doing something weird and I looked away too long.

Raphael: That's okay. They look fine to me.

_Leonardo looks in the pan._

Leonardo: They're blackened. Blackened eggs.

Raphael: I said they're fine. They'll be great. Serve 'em up.

_Leonardo watches, repressing disgust, as Raphael shovels the burned eggs in his mouth, screwing up his face with every bite._

Raphael: They're… good. Good job.

Leonardo: You sure? There's more.

_Raphael stops chewing and swallows hard._

Raphael: Okay.

_Leonardo serves up the rest of the blackened eggs onto his plate and Raphael takes another large bite. Leonardo takes his plate away._

Leonardo: I can't watch any more of this. Just make oatmeal for yourself.

Raphael: Give it back! I said I would eat it and I will!

Leonardo: This is stupid.

Raphael: It is not! Give it back!

_Leonardo angrily puts the plate in front of him and watches as he forces himself to eat the rest of the eggs, nearly gagging. Leonardo immediately takes the plate away and puts it in the sink with more force than is necessary._

Leonardo: Hope you're happy.

_Raphael rushes out of the room and there is a sound of vomiting off screen._

* * *

_Raphael is sitting in the hayloft opening some boxes. He pulls out some magazines._

Raphael: Leo! Come look at these.

_Leonardo enters the frame and sits next to him on a milk crate, looking at the magazines in the boxes._

Leonardo: Put those back, Raph!

Raphael: Why?

Leonardo: I don't know. Feels wrong. And it if it feels wrong, then it usually is.

Raphael: This is historic. It's porn older than Casey. How did it get here?

Leonardo: Maybe it was his grandpa's.

Raphael: Look at this girl holding the katana.

_Leonardo stares at it silently for a minute._

Raphael: Go ahead. Say it. I know you want to.

Leonardo: You don't hold a katana anything like that! That's ludicrous!

Raphael: I'm sure you're the only male to ever notice that before. Like guys see this picture and go, "Look at the improper technique…"

_Leonardo snatches it out of his hands and Raphael picks up a different magazine._

Raphael: Think April looks like this naked?

Leonardo: You know very well what she looks like naked.

Raphael: Well, she looks different. I mean she doesn't look as slutty as these chicks.

Leonardo: That's because she's doesn't walk around her apartment wearing nothing but stilettos or sit on a horse wearing nothing but a riding crop and a smile. Who looks at this stuff?

_Leonardo throws the magazines aside._

Raphael: Us, apparently. Motorcycles! Naked girls on motorcycles. Now my life is complete.

Leonardo: Say it. You know you want to.

Raphael: If that girl sat on that bike like that she would fall off and be under somebody's mud flap.

_Raphael pushes the dirty magazines aside. _

Raphael: I'll have to call Casey and ask what to do with them.

Leonardo: Maybe we should ask April instead. She might not want them.

Raphael: It ain't like they're married. Casey can have whatever he wants.

Leonardo: Guess so. Just feels kind of sick. You know, all those girls have brothers and boyfriends too. Like April.

Raphael: Now that I have all this moral ambiguity, I can't enjoy them. Thanks a lot.

_Leonardo laughs._

Raphael: I'm secretly addicted to porn.

Leonardo: Yeah, whatever. Are we moving this stuff down there? I don't get what we're doing. Sorting?

Raphael: Want me to ask?

Leonardo: Might as well go eat lunch if we're going to make phone calls.

* * *

_Leonardo is lying on his stomach, looking into the camera. Raph is hovering behind him with a needle and thread in the background, sewing into something we can't see._

Leonardo: Well, we've had our first injury for this trip.

Raphael: I can't believe you sat on a box of Christmas tree ornaments. You can scale a building in ten seconds and yet I'm digging out bits of glass bulb.

Leonardo: You had better make the stitches straight this time.

Raphael: No, I thought I'd stitch my name in calligraphy across your ass.

_Leonardo pulls out one of the dirty magazines from nearby and looks at it._

Raphael: Stop looking at those. It's giving me the creeps.

Leonardo: It's like a car accident. My eyes cannot look away. Holy crap. Look at that. Hope her daddy never saw this.

Raphael: Your butt looks real festive right now. What are we having for dinner? It's your turn to cook. Let's order Jimmy Johns.

Leonardo: Isn't it about 25 miles away? That sounds cruel.

Raphael: They have to deliver within a 30 mile radius. Let them earn their money.

Leonardo: You would have made a great slave driver. You have no pity.

Raphael: Me? You're the one who told April to "walk it off" when she almost cut off her thumb.

_Leonardo tries to turn around, but the angle is too awkward._

Leonardo: I didn't know how bad it was because she wouldn't let me see it.

_Raphael throws the stitching kit aside._

Raphael: You're done. I only had to do that one part where you got the snow man's cane in your thigh.

_Leonardo sits up._

* * *

_Raphael and Leonardo are playing cards at the coffee table and sitting on the floor, drinking sodas._

Leonardo: Want to watch a movie?

Raphael: Did you bring anything? There's only two channels here.

Leonardo: Yeah. I brought…

Raphael: There had better not be any girls running down an airport terminal trying to stop a guy from leaving her.

Leonardo: Would I do that to you?

Raphael: Yes.

_There's a knock at the door. Raphael yells at the top of his lungs and Leonardo has to shield his ear._

Raphael: The money's under the doormat! Just leave it outside!

Jimmy Johns Guy: I can't! You have to sign the credit card thing!

Raphael: I left cash, dumbass!

Jimmy Johns Guy: How much for the tip!

Raphael: Nothing! You're too stupid to get a tip!

Leonardo: Take three dollars! Thanks! Raph, that guy drove 25 miles out here. Cut him a break.

Raphael: I don't reward stupidity.

Leonardo: Why are you so loud? And why do you always vocalize every movement? Every time you get up or sit down you have to make that "I'm getting up now" sound. I hate it. You sound like an old man with rheumatism.

Raphael: You sound like a bitchy old maid.

_Raphael makes a loud, exaggerated groaning sound as he gets up and fetches the sandwiches off the porch. He tosses one to Leonardo, who catches it expertly. Raphael spins his sandwich as if doing a sword drill._

Raphael: Aren't you going to tell me not to play with my food now, ma'am?

Leonardo: It's your food. Ruin it however you like.

* * *

_Leonardo and Raphael are watching a movie in the dark. Both look bored._

Raphael: Want to go outside and build a fire?

Leonardo: Why?

Raphael: I don't know. We could dance around it and pray for rain.

* * *

_The camera is pointing at a roaring fire._

Raphael: Too much kerosene. Don't hold the camera so close or you'll melt the lens cap.

_The camera turtle backs away from the fire._

Leonardo: I thought you were going to dance.

Raphael: I have a better idea. I brought the guitar.

Leonardo: I don't want to sing. You sing.

Raphael: What? By myself?

Leonardo: Sure.

Raphael: No.

Leonardo: It's not like anybody'll hear except me and the cow.

_Raphael pulls the guitar out and settles on the ground. Leonardo lays the camera on the ground and lies back against a log._

Raphael: Now I'm going to play a song that talks about my feelings for you.

Leonardo: I'm scared now. But go ahead.

Raphael:

"_If the mother goes to bed with you,_

_ will you run and tell the neighbors?"_

Leonardo: Huh. I make you think of incest? You need therapy.

Raphael: I'll play something else.

Leonardo: Please do. Play something soothing. I'm tired.

Raphael:

"_Your body is a wonderland_

_I'll use my hands"_

Leonardo: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?

Raphael: What's wrong? Isn't that soothing?

Leonardo: No!

Raphael: Okay. How's this?

"_Make up your mind_

_ Decide to walk with me_

_ Around the lake tonight_

_ By my side_

_ I'm not gonna lie_

_ I'll not be a gentleman_

_ Behind the boathouse_

_ I'll show you my dark secret"_

_Leonardo twists his bandanna so that the eyeholes face the back of his head._

Leonardo: I'm too disgusted to look at you now.

Raphael: Fine. I'll play something decent. Got any requests?

Leonardo: No Slayer, Anthrax, Rob Zombie, anything that mentions women's body parts, drug use, overtly homosexual or incestuous overtones. Or rape, as you seem to even find that somehow.

Raphael: I don't know any other songs.

Leonardo: Ha, ha. Let me think then. Do you know "Under the Bridge?"

Raphael: Yeah, but it's about a guy getting high under an overpass.

Leonardo: It is not!

Raphael: Is too. Any other ideas?

Leonardo: What about Dave Matthews?

Raphael: What about him?

Leonardo: Know any of his songs?

Raphael: Some. Let's see.

_Raphael fumbles around._

Raphael: Now, I don't know this too well.

Leonardo: I don't mind.

Raphael: Okay. Here goes.

_Raphael has a few false starts._

Raphael:

_"You cannot quit me so quickly_

_ Is no hope in you for me_

_ No corner you could squeeze me_

_ But I got all the time for you, love"_

_Raphael falters on the last word and stops._

Leonardo: Why'd you stop? You were doing great.

Raphael: I don't know any more.

Leonardo: Okay. Well, I'm going to bed.

Raphael: I'll put the fire out. Oh, before you go to bed, you'd better shut the kitchen window. I heard a raccoon out here.

Leonardo: 'Kay. Goodnight.

_Raphael watches Leonardo leave and is quiet until the door shuts and then waits longer. He fumbles with the song for a while._

Raphael:

_"The space between the tears… _wait_… we cry_

_ The space… space… between the tears we cry_

_ Is the… _What the fuck?..._ laughter keeps us coming back …_no, that ain't right…_ for more_

_ The space between the wicked… _wrong_… lies… _still wrong_… we tell_

_ And hope to keep safe from the pain"_


End file.
